you just need to smile to hide everything

Why is there feelings like this.. I hate it.. i want this to be over now.. but i dont know how... no matter what i do feelings of saddness comes back and i know it's destroying me but i let it to destroy me.. why am i  letting it cause i dont know how to fight back on this things like sadness. It's so strong that even happiness is not enough to make me smile even for a while..Yes, i smile but is it really a rainbow smile you usually see in me...Smiles sometimes are used to hide everything for the sake of other people.. i dont want to drag everyone else with this one.. Moving on is the key right?? but it is a long way getting there.. let me take baby steps cause right now i don't want the beautiful 1 year 3 months to just turn into memories... i just can't give up on right now. Its been 4 days now.. and since then i feel hunger on my stomach, i'm having nightmares everytime i close my eyes.. worst nightmares i can imagine, and now im sitting here don't know what to do cause my brain is empty right know.. im empty minded girl.. i want to be ok but i don't know how to.. i feel loneliness flowing through my veins and it's eating me.. digesting me really fast.. Already at the begining i told to myself that  i need to be prepare for things like this.. there will always be an ending to thingswhether a happy ending or vice versa.. it's just how things go, you can't just prevent it.. eventhough you never ever want an ending to it.. i was planning on preparing myself  for this but instead i was enjoying every minute of conversation we had.. every seconds we laughed.. and appreciated all the iloveu's we have told to each other.. and now it hurts so much...